Wait, This Is a TV SHOW?
by Catietheawesome
Summary: The discovery of a new hatch will reveal the horrible truth...that the islanders have been merely pawns in a theatrical game of chess all along. WARNING: Contains highly satirical and just plain stupid content. COMPLETE!
1. Desmond's Discovery

**Comments are appreciated!**

One day, Charlie and Hurley were sitting on the beach, feeling bored as usual. They had gotten tired of playing fetch with that freaky killer black cloud of smoke, and now were just quietly waiting for death…or for something entertaining like a flat screen TV to wash up on shore, which ever came first.

"Hey, maybe we could…" Hurley's voice trailed off.

"What? What?!" said Charlie, desperate for something to do. Anything but this.

"Ah, never mind." Hurley sighed and resumed staring at the horizon.

Charlie disgustedly muttered something under his breath.

Suddenly, Desmond came running up to them, out of breath and panting. He seemed to be trying to tell them something, but he couldn't get it out.

"What's up, Des?" said Hurley.

"Huh…huh…" Desmond wheezed.

"Oh, it's probably one of those visions he's been having about my death," said Charlie casually, propping his head on his hand. He'd stopped falling for those around the twentieth prediction, when Desmond had claimed he would be beaten to death by a band of chimpanzees in ladies' heels.

Hurley, however, was less complacent. "Oh my God! Charlie's gonna die?!"

"No!" exclaimed Desmond, who had finally caught his breath. About time too, considering how fast a runner Desmond was… "Where's Jack?! I need to tell him something!"

"Calm down, Des, he's probably beating the crap out of Ben Linus somewhere. Why do you need to see him?" said Hurley.

"Because!" said Desmond frantically. "If what I've seen is true, then that would mean that this island, and our lives, are nothing more than a TV show!"

Looooooo_ooooooo_OOOOOOOST!


	2. The Article

As soon as the trio found their de facto leader, Desmond led them to the seventh (that we know of, OOH!) Dharma hatch on the island. The usual octagonal logo was emblazoned on the door, but the center was adorned with a simple blob shaped like a cloud.

"What is this place?" Jack said to Desmond.

"I'm not sure exactly, brotha," said Desmond. "Kelvin never told me of this Dharma station."

"Who's Kelvin?" said Hurley.

"Damn it, Hurley!" Jack exclaimed.

"What?"

"Now we have to wait for Desmond to finish his flashback."

Sure enough, Desmond had indeed gone into what the islanders called "flashback mode". It was strange, but at times, inhabitants of the island would go completely catatonic and have a personal epiphany, sometimes for no reason whatsoever. It seemed that none of the islanders were safe from these mysterious flashbacks. Except for Steve, who had died before he gotten to experience one. No, wait, Steve's still alive. It's Scott. Scott's the one that died. Sorry about that.

Anyway, after about five minutes or so, Desmond blinked and came to. "He was my mate…from a long time ago…"

Jack didn't appear to be concerned. He had been studying the brand on the door. "What does this cloud mean?"

"I'm not sure," said Desmond slowly. "But when I was coming out, I caught a whiff of something rank. So I think this place is called the Fart."

Hurley and Charlie burst into a hysterical fit of laughter. "What?!" Hurley cried.

"Who-who the bloody hell names these places?" Charlie gasped through his snickers.

"I think it was that Asian bloke, Candle or Halliwax or whatever his name is," said Desmond. "You know, the one in the orientation films."

"How did you find this place, Desmond?" Jack asked.

Desmond shrugged. "You know me…always waking up in random places…"

The four went inside, where they found a small round room full of computer equipment and other technolgical stuff that Sayid probably would have been able to explain had he been present. But since he's not here, we're just going to ignore and hope that it's not some important thing in the plot later on...

"When I woke up in here, I played around with the computers until I got onto the Interweb," said Desmond.

"Uh, that's 'Inter_net_', dude," Hurley corrected.

"Is it?" said Desmond. He shook his head slightly. "I've been on this bloody island too long. Anyway, the first web page I pulled up was called 'Goggle' or something."

"Google," said Jack.

"Whatever! Anyway, it was some kind of search engine. So naturally, I typed in-"

"Let me guess," said Charlie. "Your name."

Desmond gave him a weird look. "No. I put in the name of my old girlfriend, Penny."

"Dude, you Googled your ex?" said Hurley. "That's almost as lame as Facebook-stalking."

"What's Facebook?" said Desmond.

"It's a social networking site," said Charlie. "You know, like Myspace?"

"What's Myspace?"

"Dang," said Hurley, shaking his head. "He's been disconnected from civilization for so long he doesn't even know _Myspace_."

"Desmond, _what did you find_?" said Jack impatiently.

"Well, after browsing around some trying to find some way to contact my long lost love, I decided to search my own name to see what came up. When it did, the top result was this."

Desmond pulled up a web page. Charlie peered at the screen. "Wikipedia? Well that's a reliable source."

"Never lies, dude," said Hurley.

"Live by it like the Bible," agreed Jack. "But what it's about?"

"I read the article. It's about some television show called _Lost_," said Desmond. "And here's what it said..."

_**Lost**_ is an American television series that was originally aired on the American Broadcasting Company (ABC) from September 22, 2004 to May 23, 2010, consisting of six seasons. _Lost_ is a drama series containing elements of science fiction and the supernatural that follows the survivors of the crash of a commercial passenger jet flying between Sydney and Los Angeles, on a mysterious tropical island somewhere in the South Pacific Ocean. The story is told in a heavily serialized manner. Episodes typically feature a primary storyline on the island, as well as a secondary storyline from another point in a character's life.

_Lost_ was created by Jeffrey Lieber, J. J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof who-

"Wait, stop!" Jack interrupted. "What does this have to do with any of us?"

"I read the whole article, brotha. It talked about the hatch, Dharma, the Others…even us."

"Us? What did it say about us?" said Hurley curiously.

"No! This isn't real!" Jack exclaimed, shaking his head fervently. "Do you actually believe that a bunch of TV executives crashed our plane onto an island, placed hidden TV cameras all over the jungle, just so people could watch us sit around a campfire and kill each other?"

"I dunno, mate. This article is eerily informed on our experiences here," said Charlie. "They couldn't have written a location or a way to get out of here, of course…"

"There is no TV show, Charlie," Jack insisted. "And if there were, no one would be stupid enough to watch it. And I'm going to prove it."

"How?" Desmond asked.

Jack headed for the door. "I'm going to pick a direction, and keep walking in it until a solution presents itself, just like always."

"And you don't find that to be a convenient term of events?"

"There is no TV show, Desmond," said Jack firmly. "I'm going. This conversation is ridiculous."

The door slammed shut behind him.

"Idiot," said Charlie.


	3. Great, More Secrets

So while Jack was off walking in the jungle finding his dad's shoes in a tree or something, trouble was brewing on New Otherton.

"Ben, we have a problem," said Tom, bursting into the Others' leader's bedroom. "They found the Fart."

Ben put down his Stephen King novel and peered at Tom through his beady little eyes. "What?! You told me you blew that station up!"

Tom rubbed the back of his neck guiltily. "Yeah, I know, but…Mikhail told me not to. He likes to go on Instagram in there."

"Why can't he do that at the Flame?"

"I don't know, something about 'separating work and playtime', I don't know," said Tom with a shrug. "Look, the point is, they found it. And you won't believe what they found out. This whole island is fake."

"What?" said Ben. "No. That's impossible. Jacob would have told me if the island were fake."

"When has Jacob ever told you anything?!" Tom exclaimed. "And besides, Jacob might be in on it!"

"Jacob has never lied to me! He trusts me! We're BFF's!" Ben exclaimed, throwing his book at Tom. Tom ducked. "Now get out!"

Tom rushed out, leaving Ben to smolder in his own anger. "He didn't lied to me," Ben muttered to himself, seething. "He better not have lied to me…if he lied to me…I'll kill him."

Christian Sheppard (or someone that was impersonating him, OOH!) was watching Ben fume through the window. At the words "I'll kill him", he smiled wickedly. "Good. _Good_."

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Fart, Hurley was trying to obtain rescue.

"Okay, need…help," said Hurley, typing. "Plane…crashed…on…island. Please…hurry."

He hit **ENTER**.

On Hurley's Facebook page, his new post popped up for all his Friends to see.

"There," said Hurley. "Now they'll be looking for us."

"I don't think that's gonna work, mate," said Charlie, looking over his shoulder.

"Why not?"

Charlie pointed at Hurley's Friend list. "Because you've only got eight friends."

Hurley's face turned red. "Yeah, well…you're a one hit wonder."

"You just got burned, brotha," said Desmond to Charlie.

Charlie considered pointing out that Hurley was fat, but decided against it because he was too nice, and just stomped out of the Fart angrily. It was starting to smell bad in there anyway.

Desmond gasped. "Oh no!"

"What?" said Hurley.

"I just had a vision!" Desmond ran out after Charlie, shouting "Charlie! Look out for chimps in pumps!"

"What a weirdo," muttered Hurley. Then he noticed something had popped up on the screen. "Huh?"

It was a friend request. From some guy named Charles Widmore.

"What the hell," said Hurley, hitting **ACCEPT**.

Now, he had nine friends. Take that, Charlie.

* * *

Jack was stomping around the forest in no particular direction, when he heard giggling coming from behind a tree. "Hello?" he called out.

Kate stepped out from behind the tree cautiously, her wavy brown hair out of its usual ponytail. "Oh! Uh, hi Jack!"

"What were you doing behind that tree, Kate?" Jack asked.

"Oh, uh, nothing. Anyway, what are you doing?"

"Just walking," said Jack, eyeing her suspiciously. Ever since they had gotten back from New Otherton, he got the feeling that Kate was keeping a secret from him. But that was impossible. They were soul mates!

"Oh, okay. Well, bye, Jack!" Kate continued to stand there, looking incredibly guilty.

"Kate? Is someone behind that tree?" Jack asked.

"What? Of course not! Who could possibly be behind this tree?" said Kate innocently, her brown eyes opened wide.

"Well…okay. Bye," said Jack slowly and walked away.

Once Jack was out of sight, Kate let out a sigh of relief. A head with chin length brown hair and facial stubble popped out from behind the tree. "That was close, Freckles," said a shirtless Sawyer in his sexy Southern drawl. They had been making out before Jack had come along. "When are you gonna tell him about us anyway?"

"Oh, Sawyer!" said Kate. "I wouldn't want to hurt Jack's feelings."

"Yeah, well," grumbled Sawyer, grabbing his shirt off the ground. "Maybe you should go make out with him behind trees."

"Wait Sawyer, don't go!" Kate exclaimed as Sawyer stomped away.


	4. My Longest Chapter Yet! What Den?

Hurley was still in the Fart. He'd been chatting with this Charles Widmore guy on Facebook, trying to get help.

_**MrClucks48151:** Hey, dude. Our plane crashed on this island and we really want to get rescued. SOS._

Charles Widmore replied…

_**TotallyNotABadGuy62342: **Where is this island?_

Hurley felt triumphant. Finally, someone who could help!

_**MrClucks48151:** We don't know, dude. All we know is that there's some weird smoke monster and some polar bears and a crazy lady who wanders around and a bunch of people who want to kill us. Please help. Like now._

Hurley was waiting for Widmore to reply when in walked Locke, eating an orange or something. "Hello, Hugo," he said. "What are you doing in here?"

"Oh, I'm just trying to get us rescued." Hurley replied. "Hey, dude, did you know that this whole island is really a TV show on ABC? You know, like _Expose_."

"It is as the island told me," Locke said solemnly.

"What? Dude, how can an island tell you something? It's not like it's alive or something." _Or is it?_ Hurley added mentally. OOH, plot twist!

"How did you find out that this place is a TV show?" Locke asked.

"I found out on this computer. There's a whole article about it on Wikipedia," said Hurley. "Look, it even talks about us…"

_**Jack Shepard:** A hardcore spinal surgeon with father issues, Jack is the de facto leader due to his alpha maleness and lack of any strong personality. He has feelings for Kate, which are often eschewed for petty fights and douchebaggery. Obsessed with getting people off the island. _

_**Kate Austen:** An outlaw with father issues, Kate goes on the run for killing her stepfather (who turns out to be her real father, WTF?) and is eventually captured by a federal marshal while in Australia. On the island, Kate is attracted to both Sawyer and Jack, but finds it difficult to choose which is hotter (though it's so obviously Sawyer)._

_**Hugo "Hurley" Reyes:** A fat guy with weight issues, has conversations (presumed imaginary by Hurley) with a guy in a bathrobe called Dave, who in reality is actually Buddha reincarnate on the island._

"See? I told you that guy was real," said Hurley.

"Keep going. I want to know what they said about me," said Locke.

_**Charlie Pace: **A whiny drug addict with father issues, he enjoys hording statues of the virgin Mary and endlessly ripping off the band Oasis. Charlie thought his father wished for him to become a butcher of dolls, and so rebelled by becoming a one-hit wonder and drug-addicted ingrate. I'm fairly certain Charlie Sr. just meant for him to get some GCSEs or a BTEC in Joinery or something._

_**James "Sawyer" Ford:** A con-man and southern hillbilly with father issues. Another con-man slept with his mother and stole his father's money, causing his father to get so pissed off that he shot both his wife and himself. Apparently divorce was not as popular in the 1970s. James swore revenge upon the con-man, and so took his name "Sawyer", and chose to become a con-man who would trick married women into sleeping with him and then steal their money. Gaps in logic are all too common in hillbillies of this variety. _

_**Michael Dawson: **A black man with father issues, in that he is a crappy one. Proving true to the African-American stereotype, Michael despises Asians, proves all too trigger happy with weaponry, and holds guns to the side. Also: WAAAAAAAAAALT! _

_**John Locke:** A cripple with father issues, John Locke regains the ability to walk after landing on the island, but additionally gains an over-inflated sense of ego and a messiah complex._

"Um, I think we've read enough, Hugo," said Locke awkwardly.

"No way, dude. This is just getting good."

_While some of the survivors initially follow Locke, it becomes proven time and time again that John Locke ruins everything. __For example: _

_When Locke makes Boone climb up to a plane for no apparent reason and it falls and kills him.  
__When Locke breaks Sayid's walkie-talkie for no apparent reason.  
__When Locke insists on blowing open Desmond's hatch for no apparent reason, despite Hurley giving overt warning not to do so.  
__When Locke makes Jack push the button inside the Hatch for no apparent reason, and insists others push the button every 108 minutes.  
__When Locke decides he does not want to push the button after all, for no apparent reason, ignoring Mr. Eko's and later Desmond's warnings despite clear evidence that it actually will have consequences.  
__When Locke causes the Hatch, a valuable civilized resource in an otherwise barren island, to explode as a result of this.  
__Perhaps most damning of all, is that whenever these errors are brought to attention, or Locke's objective are questioned, he ends the discussion by declaring the other person wrong without any reasoning, and walks away._

"Dude, you just got pwned," said Hurley. "Seriously, you suck."

"Right, well, I need to commune with the island to tell me what to do next," said Locke.

"Isn't that the problem? The reason why you do so much retarded stuff in the first place? Maybe if you actually used logic to figure thinks out, instead of waiting for a tree frog or something to give you a sign, you wouldn't ruin everything so much," Hurley pointed out.

"You're wrong, Hurley," said Locke sternly, before stomping out.

"Douche," muttered Hurley.

Speak of the devil, that's when Sawyer walked in, still pissed at Kate. "What's going on in here, Stay Puft?"

"I'm trying to obtain rescue through this computer that just magically appeared on the island, and oh yeah, this is all been a TV show the whole time."

"Sorry, all I heard was something about M&M's, which makes sense, 'cause you're fat."

Hurley looked hurt. "But I'm lovable!"

"Yup, like Barney," agreed Sawyer. "That's why you'll probably end up being the hero in the end while Jack dies a long expected death."

"Uh, what?"

"Oh, sorry, that was something I heard Desmond say. Anyway, wanna play _Minecraft_?"

"Sure!" Hurley cheerfully agreed.


	5. What the What?

So while Hurley and Sawyer were having their male bonding time, Jack was still trekking across the jungle, trying to figure out his screwed up love life.

"Kate is the most beautiful, kindhearted, ninja-like girl I've ever met," he mumbled to himself. "But then there's Juliet. She's so smart. Plus, she's a doctor, like me, so we have a lot in common. And with our combined paychecks, we could pull in a lot of income around tax time. And of course, I still have angst over my ex-wife Sarah cheating on me…"

"Oh, Jack, you have angst over everything," chuckled a voice. Oh, no, not another random person stumbling out of the bushes!

Jack whirled around to face this new mysterious character. He gasped. "Dad?!"

"Hello, son," said Christian Sheppard, nodding his head.

"Buh…wuh…jick…you…dead!" Jack sputtered.

"Well said, Jack." Christian put an arm around his son's shoulder. "Come on. It's time you saw something."

* * *

Christian led Jack through a thick tangle of trees. "Keep up, son!" he called behind him.

A leaf hit Jack in the face. He sputtered and swatted it away. "Where are we even going, Dad?"

"It's not too far away. In fact, it's very close."

Jack looked confused. "Aren't those the same thing?"

"Not course not, Jack. Are Madonna and Lady Gaga the same thing?"

"Yeah, there are!" Jack exclaimed.

"_Touché_. Ah, we're here."

They had stopped walking. Christian put his finger to his lips and silently pointed to a large clump of bushes. "_Look…out…there_."

Jack curiously looked through the bushes to see what he could see. And what did little Jackie see?

"Survivors ready…GO!"

In the large expanse of open sand, there was a huge obstacle course set up. People dressed in what seemed to be only bandanas were running around, obviously trying to beat their opponents. And in the middle of the hoi polli, stood a dark haired man wearing a baseball cap, a button-down short-sleeved denim shirt, Bermuda shorts, and sandals. As the others ran around, he watched them and shouted out what ever he saw. He kind of looked like Richard Alpert, but his name was really Jeff.

Jack couldn't believe it. It was the set of _Survivor_!

"I…I don't understand," Jack stuttered.

"Jack, there's only one way you get to go home," said Christian.

Jack looked at his father. "And what's that?"

Christian took a long dramatic pause before answering. "You have to get voted off the island, Jack."

**LOST**


End file.
